A Happy Update of Everything

I just wanted to update everyone on how I am doing.

First off, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your words of affirmation, letters, emails, texts, all the good things. Every single thing you guys sent me was read, probably cried about, and taken to heart. (also, if it was a letter, it's in my keepsake box) I will never be able to fully express how much all of your encouragement meant to me. Your kind words brought me out of one of the darkest places I have ever been. So, a thousand times over, THANK YOU!

It has been almost a full two months since I withdrew from ACU and I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made for myself. Since being home, I have started seeing a therapist regularly that I LOVE. My doctor put me on a new anti-depressant and I have heard many people say "Jenna is back!" They are exactly right. Although I still have bad days, I am back to my old peppy self. I could not be any happier about it.

The only thing that kept on weighing me down was the subject of what I was going to do in January. I applied to multiple different JuCo's, but refused to look at any other big universities. However, after visiting Abilene this past week, I am one hundred percent sure it is where I want to be. I have decided that come January, I will be moving back to pursue a degree in Youth and Family Ministry. I want to be able to help kids through their rough patches like everyone helped me.

Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in this time of my life. You guys saved me. Literally.

God's Presence in Depression

A friend of mine recently prayed for, "God's presence to be dripping from our lives." I LOVE THAT. The imagery of God just pouring out of everything we do. That is how I want to live my life. However, right now, I am stuck in a rut. How do I live my life to where it's dripping God's presence when I am stuck in the darkness?

I think God's presence is dripping from my life, but only where I can see it. Some people may think that's the wrong way to do Christianity, but I don't really think you can say that. When I say that it's only where I can see it, I mean that in the pits of my depression, where everything seems hopeless and all I want to do is die, God is the person I am crying out to. Granted, I am probably crying out to Him because He isn't going to give me an answer like "oh I know what you're going through because one time my dog died." Regardless of reasoning though, I am crying out to Him. I am crying out to Him because I know for a fact He is listening and sending me peace and comfort that only He can provide. It's the worst nights when I feel God's presence dripping from my life. The nights where I am alone and crying out to Him in the loudest possible way. That is where I find God's presence in my depression.

To answer the question some of you may be asking, no, I do not cry out to Him every single time I am in the pits. Sometimes I am mad at Him and blaming Him for putting me there, but if you haven't been mad at someone, how good is your relationship really? When I am not leaning on God and crying out to Him, I know He is still going to provide a shoulder for me to cry on. I think that is when He allows people to pour their filling of God into me. And in those moments when I am sobbing hysterically to a friend and asking "Why is this happening to me? Why can't I just be normal again?" I think THAT is when God's presence is dripping from their life. When they are sitting and crying with me and not telling me that everything is going to be okay because they can't promise me that, but just listening and hugging me. I think that is how God is dripping from my life through my depression. Through other people. Through friends that are not going to leave me just because I am a crazy mess, but friends that are going to call my mom when they think something is wrong with me. Friends that are going to tell me I am not going crazy. Friends that are going to treat me exactly the same.

I think that in the pits of depression, when crying out to God seems to do nothing, calling on your true friends is where you find God's presence overflowing and waiting to fill you back up.

 

Bleeding Onto Paper

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"                       - Ernest Hemingway

Bleeding onto paper. What does that even mean? Well, when I think of blood I think of death. I don't know if I am scared of death anymore. In fact, I know I am not. I am not scared of it because I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to want to take my own life. It's scary to think about when you aren't ready. But when you have hit the pits of depression, and life just doesn't seem worth it anymore, I don't think there is such thing as fear. I think fear comes from Satan. I think fear comes from the unknown. Of not knowing what is going to happen to you once you actually "do the deed." I am not scared of that. I know everyone says that if you kill yourself you go straight to hell, but I think God has a heart for depression. I think He wants us to keep going because He knows He has better things planned for us, but when it comes down to it, I don't think my God would condemn me to hell for killing myself. That's just my thoughts on it though. And if you don't agree with me, I don't actually want to hear your opinions on it. Let's just agree to disagree. I just think that a God that is full of grace and mercy and compassion wouldn't leave me out in the cold (well hell isn't cold) for not being able to keep going.  It's weird to think about.  I don't know.

I made a pact with myself to stop cutting. It might be for a stupid reason, but someday when I finally meet the man of my dreams and we're, ya know, I don't want him to be sidetracked by my scars. Granted, if he really is the man of my dreams, I will have probably already told him about them, but still. I just don't want that to be an issue, so I don't plan on cutting anymore. Also, it really sucks when people invite me to swim and I have to say no because I am too ashamed of my scars. When comes the time when I am not ashamed of them anymore?  Is it once I have beaten depression? Because I've been told that this is a life long thing... Do I just swim in shorts from now on? Like, what's the deal with that? I don't know.

Guys suck. Ya know it? I am so freaking tired of them. I got broken up with not long ago. On the day I withdrew, actually. Super awesome, right? I really thought I was going to marry him, too. Everything seemed to be going awesome with us, but you know the saying, it was "too good to be true" and now it's over. And now I'm single again. I just miss the snuggling. I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and kiss me and tell me how much they adored me. Those are the good times. Those are the times when I am happiest. Which sucks because those times really don't come around that often. I am usually single. Even though I think it is my fault. Guys start to get close to me and I immediately push them away. It's like I have this weird magnet that flips around when someone gets too close. I repel people. I don't know why I do that. Well, yes I do. Because I don't want to get hurt. Because how many different times can I put myself out there and get shut down without becoming completely broken? It can't be too many more times. Maybe that means the man of my dreams will be here soon. I don't know.

This is what I think bleeding out onto paper is. All of my thoughts just pouring out while I have classical music playing in the background. It's way better for me to bleed out onto the paper than to be bleeding down my legs. That I do know.

I WILL Win This War.

I typed a very long and thought out post about my current battle with depression, but I don't think it is best that I share it. Not yet, at least.

Right now, I am asking from the very bottom of my heart to be covered in prayer. I am not doing well and my struggle seems to be getting the best of me.

Along with prayer, any type of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Letters, texts, and emails are the best way to do that. I am asking please that nobody call because that just makes me cry and sends me into a whirlwind of emotions.

Thank you in advance for everything.
I know that with the help of everyone surrounding me, I will overcome this. It is going to take a lot of time, hard work, and tears, but I know that God will carry me through.


email: jck12a@acu.edu
text: 8322627934
letters: Jenna Knight
             2302 E Van Trease
             Deer Park, Tx 77536

My Thoughts on Depression and Suicide

I realize that people don't understand suicide and depression, but for the sake of all of us that do, please keep your comments and hurtful words to yourself. 

There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than when people say depression is just being really sad and suicide is selfish. Depression is not just being really sad. Depression is feeling like you are constantly drowning. Like you are living in a constant fog that never clears up. The pain of depression is endless, but unseen to everyone. It is a daily struggle that, unless you have been through it personally, you do not and will not ever know anything about. There is no way to explain it, it is frustrating, and it is something you cannot escape. Depression is feeling like not existing would be easier than trying to fake happy another day. And, let me tell you, faking everything is exhausting. Suicide is viewed as selfish, but as someone who has suffered through it all, it seems like the only way we can find any relief. If we felt like there was another way out, we would take it. Sometimes, though, that seems like the only way to stop the pain. I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts and it is by the grace of God and the people He put in my life that I am alive today.

I understand that people are angry, hurt, and emotional by the actions of Robin Williams, but before you make a comment about something you know nothing of, think about it. You never know how hurtful and offensive your words could be to one of your friends or family. So, please, for the love of all things good, just stop.

Jesus Isn't Rude

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Growing up, my mom had a magnet on our refrigerator that quoted Ephesians 4:29, in fact, I think we might still have it. I never fully understood what this verse meant though. Okay, don’t cuss. Alright, don’t be rude to people. Fine, don’t sass my parents. Whatever, I could easily deal with all of that. I didn’t need to memorize this verse or think about it in depth. It’s obviously surface level, right? Ha, no. I have noticed that I have no regards for anyone but myself when it comes to the things I say. Some people may try to stick up for me and say, “oh no, stop, you are a nice person. Everyone can be mean at times.” Stop right there. I do not want anyone’s sympathy. I do not deserve anyone’s sympathy. I am rude and I need to change. End of story.  As I have grown up, I have realized that people get offended by a lot of things I say. Usually, I am one of the first to admit how rude I am. Quite honestly, I tend to say this in a very prideful manner. What in the world am I thinking? What reason is there to be happy about being rude? There isn’t one. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be Christ to people. This means thinking about things before you say them and not being rude for no good reason. That is who Jesus is.

                Last night, the grown kids went to a pizzeria for dinner. On our way there, a homeless person walked up to the window and I commented about her making me uncomfortable. I said this without thinking about it affecting anyone else in the car. I said this from my own opinion. And I said this about us not having any extra money to give her- not about her being homeless. I love working with any homeless ministry. I love talking and praying with the people and truly listening to their stories. It is one of my aspirations to open a homeless shelter someday because I know it is needed. Unfortunately, not everyone in the car knew this about me. On our way home, one of the guys made a comment about homeless people making me uncomfortable and another person in the car got very offended by it. He ended up kind of shutting down and just going to bed when we got home. Even when I apologized, it didn’t seem to help. (If he ends up reading this, I genuinely am sorry if I offended you and I am also sorry about telling everyone that reads this blog about it…) You see, the ministry the Blume’s have here in Porto Alegre works with men that have possibly been homeless in the past due to alcohol or drug addictions. So when I made my seemingly harmless comment, I hurt his feelings because of how much he cares about the men at the Chacara. He is passionate enough about his friends and what he does that he isn’t going to allow me or anyone else to make mean comments. That is how I want to be. I want to be able to stand up to my friends when they are gossiping. I want to be brave enough to be Jesus like this.

When we speak, we need to become fully aware of our surroundings and the people in them. All night, I have been bothered with my comment. I cannot get it out of my head how many other things I have said throughout my life that I didn’t even notice someone get upset because I was too full of myself to care. However, I am even more worried about the things I have said to someone trying to fit in or trying to make people laugh. My heart hurts knowing that I have cause so many people sadness and pain. And I am truly sorry if I have hurt your feelings and you are reading this. Another thing I have become very aware of since being in Brasil, whenever someone starts to annoy me I immediately start being rude to them. I make very offensive comments and become hateful towards a person until they don’t want to be around me anymore. I have always had a way with knowing exactly what to say to upset someone. And I have never held back from saying something it. I do not like this part of me. I remember fighting with my mom growing up and knowing exactly what to say to hurt her, but waiting for the exact moment to say it. I remember knowing exactly what my closest friends were insecure about and using it against them in fights. I knew exactly which button to press and when to press it. I am ready to change this about myself. And I know the only way I am going to do it is with a lot of help from God with my self-control and a lot of patience from the people I am closest to.

I do not want to be the girl that is mean. I want to be kind and loving towards everyone. That’s who Jesus is. I want to be passionate enough about people to stand up for them regardless of who they are or where they came from. That’s who Jesus is. I want to be Jesus in everything I say. I want to stop being rude to people just because they are annoying me. Jesus is such a cool guy. It seriously just blows my mind. I want to live my life striving to be like Jesus and Jesus isn’t rude. Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I want a tongue of the wise. I no longer want to have reckless words that pierce like a sword and forever leave a scar. I have left too many scars. I am ready to be like Jesus in my words more now than ever.

Loving my Blumes, but missing my Sedtal's

In ten days I will have been in Brasil for a month. Other than college, this is the longest time I have ever been away from home. And let me tell you, I feel it. I do not think I have ever been this homesick.
Brasil is awesome though. I absolutely have fallen more in love with the Blume family than I even thought was possible. I have never met a family that shows the love of Jesus better than they do. And I am positive Jesus would have laughed at their sarcasm just as much as I do. I wish I could take them all back to America with me. I love that Dad is a weirdo and makes farting jokes all the time. I love that Mom is the most kind and loving person and she makes the most delicious food. I love that Bronwyn and Stephen are here and how Stephen's craziness doesn't even phase Bronwyn anymore. I love how motherly Bronwyn is all the time. I love how Ansley always finds the best in people and that she is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. I love how much Garrett loves soccer and how good he is at it and that he will be famous one day. I love how Carys is the coolest 15 year old I have ever met in my life and how snuggly she is. I love that Anderson is OBSESSED with the USA team even though technically he is Brasilian. and I love that Giovanni calls me sister constantly and likes to squeeze my guts out when he hugs me.
As much as I completely adore the Blume's though, I really am missing home so much. For the past five summers, I have lived at my Aunt's house and been a nanny for her boys, Tyler, Teague, and Talon. Throughout these five summers, I pretty much became inseparable with their family. Before I went to college, I don't think there was a single day that I wasn't at their house. Being away from them this summer is killing me, but I guess that's part of growing up. I think I have realized I don't like growing up. Last night, Talon FaceTimed me about a thousand times and I just about cried when the internet kept going out. I miss my boys a lot. I miss Talon being a little weirdo. I miss everything ridiculous Tyler says that we all just laugh at. I miss Teague being a sassy little diva all the time. I miss my Aunt shaking her head at my Uncle's inappropriate jokes. I miss my Uncle's inappropriate comments and funny jokes. I really miss having an older sister all the time that I can talk to and run to with all the things. I miss our movie nights that we have every weekend and our Pepsi and popcorn deliciousness.
I think I am just missing my Sedtal family too much.

Okay, I am done being sentimental. Here's some pictures of everyone.

This is Carys, isn't she so pretty?

JK, she actually is so beautiful. We are just both really weird.

This is Ansley, my bestfriend, after the Brasil game. She's so pretty.

lol, Ansley.

Mom loves taking selfies. She's beautiful.

Giovanni had his June Festival a couple days ago. He devoured this cotton candy afterwards.

He kind of made a mess...

We all like to play Call of Duty at night. Here's me, Carys, Garrett, Stephen, and Michael. Michael is from College Station. He is here with us for the week!

Here's all of us watching the opening World Cup game at a family friend's house.