Bleeding Onto Paper

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"                       - Ernest Hemingway

Bleeding onto paper. What does that even mean? Well, when I think of blood I think of death. I don't know if I am scared of death anymore. In fact, I know I am not. I am not scared of it because I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to want to take my own life. It's scary to think about when you aren't ready. But when you have hit the pits of depression, and life just doesn't seem worth it anymore, I don't think there is such thing as fear. I think fear comes from Satan. I think fear comes from the unknown. Of not knowing what is going to happen to you once you actually "do the deed." I am not scared of that. I know everyone says that if you kill yourself you go straight to hell, but I think God has a heart for depression. I think He wants us to keep going because He knows He has better things planned for us, but when it comes down to it, I don't think my God would condemn me to hell for killing myself. That's just my thoughts on it though. And if you don't agree with me, I don't actually want to hear your opinions on it. Let's just agree to disagree. I just think that a God that is full of grace and mercy and compassion wouldn't leave me out in the cold (well hell isn't cold) for not being able to keep going.  It's weird to think about.  I don't know.

I made a pact with myself to stop cutting. It might be for a stupid reason, but someday when I finally meet the man of my dreams and we're, ya know, I don't want him to be sidetracked by my scars. Granted, if he really is the man of my dreams, I will have probably already told him about them, but still. I just don't want that to be an issue, so I don't plan on cutting anymore. Also, it really sucks when people invite me to swim and I have to say no because I am too ashamed of my scars. When comes the time when I am not ashamed of them anymore?  Is it once I have beaten depression? Because I've been told that this is a life long thing... Do I just swim in shorts from now on? Like, what's the deal with that? I don't know.

Guys suck. Ya know it? I am so freaking tired of them. I got broken up with not long ago. On the day I withdrew, actually. Super awesome, right? I really thought I was going to marry him, too. Everything seemed to be going awesome with us, but you know the saying, it was "too good to be true" and now it's over. And now I'm single again. I just miss the snuggling. I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and kiss me and tell me how much they adored me. Those are the good times. Those are the times when I am happiest. Which sucks because those times really don't come around that often. I am usually single. Even though I think it is my fault. Guys start to get close to me and I immediately push them away. It's like I have this weird magnet that flips around when someone gets too close. I repel people. I don't know why I do that. Well, yes I do. Because I don't want to get hurt. Because how many different times can I put myself out there and get shut down without becoming completely broken? It can't be too many more times. Maybe that means the man of my dreams will be here soon. I don't know.

This is what I think bleeding out onto paper is. All of my thoughts just pouring out while I have classical music playing in the background. It's way better for me to bleed out onto the paper than to be bleeding down my legs. That I do know.