God's Presence in Depression

A friend of mine recently prayed for, "God's presence to be dripping from our lives." I LOVE THAT. The imagery of God just pouring out of everything we do. That is how I want to live my life. However, right now, I am stuck in a rut. How do I live my life to where it's dripping God's presence when I am stuck in the darkness?

I think God's presence is dripping from my life, but only where I can see it. Some people may think that's the wrong way to do Christianity, but I don't really think you can say that. When I say that it's only where I can see it, I mean that in the pits of my depression, where everything seems hopeless and all I want to do is die, God is the person I am crying out to. Granted, I am probably crying out to Him because He isn't going to give me an answer like "oh I know what you're going through because one time my dog died." Regardless of reasoning though, I am crying out to Him. I am crying out to Him because I know for a fact He is listening and sending me peace and comfort that only He can provide. It's the worst nights when I feel God's presence dripping from my life. The nights where I am alone and crying out to Him in the loudest possible way. That is where I find God's presence in my depression.

To answer the question some of you may be asking, no, I do not cry out to Him every single time I am in the pits. Sometimes I am mad at Him and blaming Him for putting me there, but if you haven't been mad at someone, how good is your relationship really? When I am not leaning on God and crying out to Him, I know He is still going to provide a shoulder for me to cry on. I think that is when He allows people to pour their filling of God into me. And in those moments when I am sobbing hysterically to a friend and asking "Why is this happening to me? Why can't I just be normal again?" I think THAT is when God's presence is dripping from their life. When they are sitting and crying with me and not telling me that everything is going to be okay because they can't promise me that, but just listening and hugging me. I think that is how God is dripping from my life through my depression. Through other people. Through friends that are not going to leave me just because I am a crazy mess, but friends that are going to call my mom when they think something is wrong with me. Friends that are going to tell me I am not going crazy. Friends that are going to treat me exactly the same.

I think that in the pits of depression, when crying out to God seems to do nothing, calling on your true friends is where you find God's presence overflowing and waiting to fill you back up.

 

Bleeding Onto Paper

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"                       - Ernest Hemingway

Bleeding onto paper. What does that even mean? Well, when I think of blood I think of death. I don't know if I am scared of death anymore. In fact, I know I am not. I am not scared of it because I know what it is like to want to die. I know what it is like to want to take my own life. It's scary to think about when you aren't ready. But when you have hit the pits of depression, and life just doesn't seem worth it anymore, I don't think there is such thing as fear. I think fear comes from Satan. I think fear comes from the unknown. Of not knowing what is going to happen to you once you actually "do the deed." I am not scared of that. I know everyone says that if you kill yourself you go straight to hell, but I think God has a heart for depression. I think He wants us to keep going because He knows He has better things planned for us, but when it comes down to it, I don't think my God would condemn me to hell for killing myself. That's just my thoughts on it though. And if you don't agree with me, I don't actually want to hear your opinions on it. Let's just agree to disagree. I just think that a God that is full of grace and mercy and compassion wouldn't leave me out in the cold (well hell isn't cold) for not being able to keep going.  It's weird to think about.  I don't know.

I made a pact with myself to stop cutting. It might be for a stupid reason, but someday when I finally meet the man of my dreams and we're, ya know, I don't want him to be sidetracked by my scars. Granted, if he really is the man of my dreams, I will have probably already told him about them, but still. I just don't want that to be an issue, so I don't plan on cutting anymore. Also, it really sucks when people invite me to swim and I have to say no because I am too ashamed of my scars. When comes the time when I am not ashamed of them anymore?  Is it once I have beaten depression? Because I've been told that this is a life long thing... Do I just swim in shorts from now on? Like, what's the deal with that? I don't know.

Guys suck. Ya know it? I am so freaking tired of them. I got broken up with not long ago. On the day I withdrew, actually. Super awesome, right? I really thought I was going to marry him, too. Everything seemed to be going awesome with us, but you know the saying, it was "too good to be true" and now it's over. And now I'm single again. I just miss the snuggling. I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and kiss me and tell me how much they adored me. Those are the good times. Those are the times when I am happiest. Which sucks because those times really don't come around that often. I am usually single. Even though I think it is my fault. Guys start to get close to me and I immediately push them away. It's like I have this weird magnet that flips around when someone gets too close. I repel people. I don't know why I do that. Well, yes I do. Because I don't want to get hurt. Because how many different times can I put myself out there and get shut down without becoming completely broken? It can't be too many more times. Maybe that means the man of my dreams will be here soon. I don't know.

This is what I think bleeding out onto paper is. All of my thoughts just pouring out while I have classical music playing in the background. It's way better for me to bleed out onto the paper than to be bleeding down my legs. That I do know.

I WILL Win This War.

I typed a very long and thought out post about my current battle with depression, but I don't think it is best that I share it. Not yet, at least.

Right now, I am asking from the very bottom of my heart to be covered in prayer. I am not doing well and my struggle seems to be getting the best of me.

Along with prayer, any type of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Letters, texts, and emails are the best way to do that. I am asking please that nobody call because that just makes me cry and sends me into a whirlwind of emotions.

Thank you in advance for everything.
I know that with the help of everyone surrounding me, I will overcome this. It is going to take a lot of time, hard work, and tears, but I know that God will carry me through.


email: jck12a@acu.edu
text: 8322627934
letters: Jenna Knight
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